Permission
by Centroides
Summary: Chief learns that you don't always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need.


Thanks to Hairy Ball of Fur for the encouragement and ideas. This one I just had to run with, but not very far, yet.

The Ritual

His heart was pounding, his mouth was dry and he couldn't seem to get enough air to breath. This was not a state he was comfortable with but making it go away was going to be very difficult. One more deep breath to settle his nerves and he would go. He would take that final step and he would raise his hand and he would…

The sound of the dial tone and then the swish of the rotor being turned told him he had just been given a reprieve, yet instead of feeling relief as he turned to walked away, he felt disappointment. He had to do this. Starting with lies and deceit was a sure way to destroy your future. He could apologize now and admit what he had done, he could face this like a man or he could wait and be found out, proving that he could not be trusted. He had to do this now. He walked to the entranceway and sat on the bottom step. As soon as the phone call was done he would march in and confess. The Warden was a reasonable man, he would listen. Somehow he had to make him understand that this was not the way he was. He did not like to lie; he did not like to go behind anyone's back. It was just so hard to tell what he had done after the guy had treated him good. All the stuff he had done to protect him, how he had gotten him away from that Handler, hidden him, and what does he do? He lies to him, does something that goes against everything he knew to be honourable. He was a disappointment to everyone who had ever cared about him. His shoulders sagged in defeat. Maybe he should just go back to the room and admit that he was no good. He stood, turned and placed one foot on the first step.

No. He couldn't. He had a chance to turn his life around. He couldn't throw that away. He had to do this now! He turned back again, gritted his teeth and walked. One way or the other he was going to do this. He was a lot of things but he wasn't a quitter. If he was he would have packed it in long time ago. Her words stiffened his resolve.

He arrived at the door and knocked without hesitation. When he heard the response he opened the door and entered. Garrison was sitting at his desk, pen in hand. He did not smile in fact he did not look pleased at the interruption Too late to back out now. He tried to look like he was confident, in control, so he took a deep breath, stood straight and looked him in the eye. Face this like a man. The eye contact lasted for about two seconds. His training was too deeply instilled.

"Ah, Lieutenant?" Damn, he thought, that didn't come out as confident as he had hoped. Garrison was sitting at his desk. A pile of paper filled folders sat to his left, a single sheet before him, and a pen in his hand. His face was impassive but the body language said you are interrupting me. "I could come back later if you're busy." He took a small step backward waiting to be dismissed.

"No. What is it?" It was a curt reply that matched his look.

"There's something I gotta tell ya." He got that far and words deserted him. His carefully rehearsed speech was gone. He was making a mess of it.

"What is it, Chief?"

He felt like a fool. Why had he come? He should have just left it alone. He would never have found out. At this he pictured Garrison's face as he confronted him with the truth. That was worse. "I, ah…" He tried to moisten his lips.

Garrison must have felt sorry for him or maybe he just wanted him gone because he tried prompting him. "Does this have anything to do with Casino?"

Chief shook his head then said, "No, it's…"

"Any of the others?" He shook his head so the Officer continued. "You'll have to help me here. I'm not good at twenty questions. Is it something you did?" He must have read the look because he asked, "What did you do?"

Just say it! Get it over with instead of standing here like an idiot. "I knew it was wrong," he started strongly then tapered off, "but I was scared." He risked a quick look at his leader's face. He was not exactly angry but he did not look comfortable either. "I didn't ask an' I shoulda."

"Sit down, Chief. This is obviously important. We need to get it cleared up but you're going to have to tell me what it is. Now start at the beginning." He put his pen down.

Chief sat on the edge of the seat. The beginning. That was good. Maybe if he explained why he did it. A deep breath exhaled and he clenched his hands once then opened them. "A long time ago I… well I, ah. I got lost after..." He moistened his lips. "I was found by this woman."

"She had a baby," suggested Garrison.

"What? No. No, I was about ten or eleven. She, ah, she was an Apache healer. She… She knew who I was, cause her husband was one." Seeing the Officer's frown he added, "What I was, am, a Guardian, but she called me something else in Apache. She told me the stories. Told me the …"

"The what?"

"I was wrong. I shouldn't have but I thought…"

"Slow down Chief. I won't get angry; just tell me what shouldn't you have done?"

"But it was wrong," he said quietly looking down and away. He moved to the edge of the seat and lowered his knees.

Garrison must have read the signals because he said, "Sit right there, Chief, and tell me, man to man."

He sat back an inch or two. "She told me of the old ways before the whites came, of this ritual that they did when a new Chief took over or a new …"

"Use the word Guardian for now," said Garrison filling in the obvious blank spot.

"When there was a new Guardian or a new Chief they had this ritual and the new Guardian was …"

"Initiated?"

"It was like a, a joining of the Chief and the Guardian so he could protect him."

"A joining?"

"Yeah. So that the Protector would always know where the Chief was."

"This ritual was more than a promise. Something was done to join them."

"Yeah."

"And you did this joining with me when… I was asleep?"

"No. No" Panic was clear in his voice.

"Tell me about the joining. How's it done?"

Chief deflated "I touched your heart."

"How did you do this,this touching my heart? And when? Obviously it's not an actual touch."

"I put my hand on your chest. I was wrong and you have a right to be angry with me." He waited keeping his eyes downcast. He knew hearing it in his voice was going to be bad enough he didn't need to see it on his face as well.

"I don't understand. Why would I be angry because you touched my chest? Is that taboo?"

"I felt your heart beating but it was wrong."

"How was it wrong? "

He hung his head, "I didn't ask."

"Tell me how it works." He was obviously confused. "You feel my heartbeat then what?"

"I was supposed to ask first," he said with emphatically.

Garrison thought about it for a minute. "You said you did it because you were scared."

"I thought you were dead and when I felt your heart I…" Guilt stopped him. In his defence he added, "It wasn't there as long as in the ritual but long enough."

"Long enough for what? I don't understand the significance."

"When a Guardian agrees to protect the Chief he needs to know where he is at all times to know if he's in danger. When he touches his heart he listens and remembers the sound and then he can find it anywhere no matter how far. He knows."

"You're saying that having touched my chest you can now hear my heartbeat even if I'm not in the room?"

"I didn't have long enough. I can hear it if you're close. But I **didn't** ask."

Garrison stood and came around his desk taking a seat in the other chair beside Chief. "That's all there is? You can hear my heartbeat."

"I heard the whispers. I can't read minds, I can't hear what yer thinkin'. That's all lies to make real people hate us. I can tell if yer upset or if yer sleeping, stuff like that, but that's all. I'm sorry I did it."

"There's no way to stop it."

"Only way's to kill me."

"That was not what I was thinking. What I was thinking is that this might be a bonus in our line of work." Dare he hope that Garrison wasn't angry? "Tell me about the ritual. Could we do it here?"

"I never seen it, all I know is what Gouyen told me. It's done at night. There's dancin' and singing and when that's done the Chief stands and calls the Protector. He comes into the circle and comes over to the Chief. The Chief asks if he'll protect him and then the people. He says yes and then asks to join with the Chief, to know him. He says yes and that's when he does it. They stand there until the Protector has memorized the heartbeat. Then the Chief asks if the people will," he lowered his voice, debating leaving this part out, "look after the protector." His voice rose again and he said, "Then they sing and dance and then have a feast," his voice faded again, "in honour of the Protector."

Garrison thought about it before saying, "Let's do it. There's a clearing out back just beyond the courtyard. We could have it there."

"If you're really sure about this then we could do it right here."

Garrison nodded. "Yes, I'm sure. But this is important to you so let's do it right."

"But... Are you sure? Once it's done, you can't just …"

"Someday it might just save my life."

"We don't have to do all of it, I could just…"

"No. We are going to do this all the way. We'll tell the others what's going to happen."

"No," interrupted Chief. "They don't have to know."

"Yes, they do. Think about it, Chief. The Protector is asked to protect the people. That is what I have asked you to do, protect the people especially the rest of the team. You said they then agree to protect you. I would consider that important, wouldn't you?"

"But they wouldn't…"

"What, understand? This might be just the thing to make all of you realize that you have to work together if you all want to survive."

"You really think Actor would do this?" he asked tentatively.

"Why not? He's part of the team."

"But he's… He's like… He's not gonna want to sit on the ground …"

"I think you underestimate him. Let's go see. If he refuses I'll just order him to do it."

"No, that wouldn't," he started then stopped when he saw Garrison's smile. He stood and reluctantly followed as they went to tell the others.

He stood by the courtyard wall. The cool night air raised a few goose bumps on his arms. He looked over to the men seated around the fire. They were probably warmer. From his position he could see Garrison just to the left of the fire. His blond hair was highlighted by the dancing flames. Actor sat to his left, appearing to the right of the fire. With the background in darkness the breadth of his shoulders was really emphasized. Both men sat cross-legged hands resting comfortably on their knees. The two men worked well together. He had a lot to learn from them. If he could, he wanted to be like them, strong, in control, confident. He had thought his life was over, that the Trainers were finally going to carry out their threat to kill him when he had been hauled out of the pen. Instead they had given him a chance to live free. What had he done to deserve this? His heart warmed.

With their backs to him and sitting this side of the fire, the two other members of his team appeared as two silhouettes but he knew they were more than that. Goniff, he couldn't figure out. He treated him like he was real, like he was normal. Maybe he hadn't heard all the stuff about Guardians. Most Guardians were Indians so he figured they didn't have any here in England. If he knew, then he would have treated him like Casino did. That would be a shame. It felt good to have someone treat him decent.

Casino had given him a hard time but that was nothing new. Real people didn't like Guardians. They were afraid of them. They thought that Guardians were un-natural and should be eliminated. Lately he didn't seem to hate him as much. He had even stuck up for him a bit. Maybe someday they could be friends though that was a lot to ask for. Maybe the Warden had ordered him to be nice.

That brought a smile. Garrison said he would order Actor to participate but the Warden had been right about underestimating the guy. Actor had been quite willing to sit in on the joining. He probably put on old clothes but at least he didn't complain.

He wondered how far Casino would go for his parole. If he had refused to join in and Garrison had ordered him, would he have decided to go back to prison instead?

His musing was cut short by the sight of the men standing then walking around the fire. Garrison and Actor looked solemn. They were taking this seriously. Casino rounded the curve and Chief got to see his face. His look was serious and then Goniff. Even he was not smiling. Boy, without his shirt he was thin but well-muscled. The firelight did not pick out Casino's muscles like it did on the Englishman, but they all knew he was strong. The Englishman was like a willow, Casino, a bison. Neither was better, just better for certain things. A guy couldn't want for better company.

The men circled four times then all sat except Garrison who remained standing. It was his voice that called, "Is there a Protector among us?"

That was he cue. He stepped forward and entered the circle between Casino and Goniff moving clockwise until he stood before the Lieutenant. He could not help the feeling of pride that filled him, driving out the nervousness he had felt. Here was a man worthy of being a Chief. He stood tall and lean, his body honed in battle. The fire glittered in his eyes and highlighted his forehead and cheekbones. Though European, he looked good in this light. He looked fierce. Chief knew that was not just a look, the man was a fighter. He would follow this man until he died. He might even follow him in death. "I am a Protector." The words came out strong and clear. This was where he belonged.

"Will you be my Protector?"

"I will protect you with my life."

"Will you protect our people?"

"I will protect them with my life."

Garrison's voice rose and he asked the other men around the fire, "Will you protect our Guardian?"

The answer came back loud and clear, "Yes, we will protect our Guardian." Chief's ears picked out the individual voices. They had all answered."

Then Chief asked, "May I join with you?" He had agonized about the wording but in the end he decided that the words did not matter. What mattered was that this time he was asking permission and all would hear the answer. He would have his permission this time.

"Yes. Join with me and know me wherever I am."

Chief raised his hand and placed it over the leader's heart. He felt the warmth of his skin and inhaled his scent. This was heaven. This was where he was meant to be. He belonged to this man and he to him. Thus joined, they remained standing face to face. The fire was behind Chief and he could feel the warmth on the back of his legs. His position threw Garrison into shadow but it was not complete. He dilated his pupils until he could see in the low light. He saw his features, saw the sparkle in his eyes. He felt it as well. He knew the significance of this joining. Chief felt good, pleased. Then he closed his eyes and imprinted the sound of the heart under his hand and the scent in his nose into his brain. This was beyond belief. He had a hearth, he had a home. He was complete.

Chief opened his eyes and lowered his hand. The smile remained. Without a word he stepped between Actor and their leader and he took his place behind Garrison's left shoulder. The others rose and they marched around the fire four times before the four all said, "Welcome the new Guardian." Goniff's voice added, "Let's eat."

Actor started to kick dirt onto the fire but Chief stilled him with a hand on his arm. Actor stopped and looked. He understood. Instead he turned and headed back to the house with the others leaving Chief to his solitude and the fire.

He was officially a part of the team though he knew there would still be bickering and the occasional fight. That was to be expected. They were all strong men with their own ideas on how things should be done but he was now reassured that that was all that was going to happen, simple disagreements on the how's and why's. He could handle that.

Now if he could just remember how he had hurt his head and his leg. He rubbed his leg absent-mindedly. It was almost healed but it still bothered him, not pain-wise but how it had happened. Someday he would find out.

As he sat watching the fire burn down he opened his hearing. He heard the crack and shuffle as the embers collapsed sending a little puff of ash into the night air. Farther out he heard a cough but it was from the wrong direction. Must be one of the guards, he thought. He listened farther reaching out toward the house he heard a door close, a car driving slowly down the road but no heartbeat. He was tempted to push farther but did not want to risk getting lost. Even so, if he could hear the car then he should be able to hear his heart. Why couldn't he?

He had failed. It didn't work. His world crashed around him. He was a failure. He had done everything Gouyen had told him and it didn't work. He could hear the heartbeat in his imagination but he could not hear it for real. Moisture gathered in his eyes, tears of defeat, tears of frustration, tears of loss.

It was an empty man who sat alone by the dying embers. He was chilled all the way through but it did not matter, he was worthless. He couldn't do anything right. He was a failure as a Guardian and a Protector. He could not protect the only three people who had ever cared about him. He didn't protect the Mother who had taken him, she died, he did not protect Gouyen, she had died, and now he could not protect Garrison and he was going to die. He wished he could die instead. He sat in misery until a voice intruded.

"Chief, come inside."

"I can't," he whispered. The two tiny words were soaked in agony.

Something moved beside him and the voice was there. "What's wrong?" The compassion in his voice almost undid his thread bare control.

"It didn't work."

"What didn't work?"

He turned to face the proof of his failure. "I tried but I couldn't hear..." His voice broke and he turned away as the first tear slipped down his cheek.

There was a moment of silence then he said, "Do you remember why we did this?"

"So I could hear you, hear your heartbeat."

"No. That's not why we did this." His voice was warm and soothing, there was no reproach.

He turned in confusion to look at the speaker.

"We did this because you felt guilty about touching me without my permission."

"But,"

"We did this," the voice was getting stronger, "to make that right. I asked you to protect us, exactly why you are here on this team. You said yes. You asked if you could touch me and I said yes. You wanted permission and I gave it to you. That was what this was for. That worked." He stopped speaking and the silence stretched until he said. "That was all we needed. If in the end you could hear my heartbeat then that would have been a bonus but we can still continue the way we are. We have lost nothing but we have gained a shared experience. That was worth it." In the silence that followed Chief thought that over. It did not fix it but it made a lot of sense. He still felt like a failure but Garrison did not see him that way. If only he could feel that way about himself. He had so much to learn from this man. He thought he was worth keeping so maybe there was hope. He stood and the shadow beside him rose as well. A jacket was placed around his shoulders as he headed back to the house and warmth. He could not hear his heartbeat but Garrison had faith in him. That would hold him until he could have faith in himself.


End file.
